At the end of August, my family's piano was moved out of Aiden's home in California. And just to recover this heirloom, I was court ordered to pay Aiden's mother $7,000 for a "replacement" piano. In my local area, I found that $7,000 is enough to buy two pianos. And since I've overheard Aiden's mother tell him that "Daddy wants to take stuff away from us," I'd be very interested to see just exactly what my $7,000 actually bought. After two months, I expect that Aiden should be happily playing his "replacement" piano by now.
Honestly, just how much piano does a 4-year-old boy really need?
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
How can I possibly develop a positive relationship with Aiden when given an average of only 6 minutes per week of contact ?!??
During the last two months, I have had a total of less than one hour of phone/video contact with my son.
Out of 20 scheduled calls, 8 were not answered, 6 were 2 minutes or less. Of the 6 conversations lasting longer than 3 minutes, 4 were disconnected mid-sentence. While I was in California for divorce court, his mother made no effort to answer my scheduled calls to Aiden. And contrary to her testimony in court, she has only participated in one video call.
Pacific Time Contact min:sec
Sat 9/18 no answer
Tue 9/14 6:43 video Contact appeared to be accidental. One hour after scheduled time, I noticed Aiden was online and called him on my computer. He appeared to be at a noisy public event with other kids. I never spoke with Aiden's mother, and she may not have been aware of this contact.
Tue 9/14 no answer at scheduled time.
Sat 9/11 no answer
Tue 9/07 6:14
Sat 9/04 0:06 "I don't want to talk to you."
Tue 8/31 no answer
Sat 8/28 no answer
Tue 8/24 0:42 "I don't want to talk to you." Contact appeared to be accidental. After ignoring calls at the scheduled time, his mother's hands-free headset apparently automatically answered my follow-up call.
Sat 8/21 no answer
Tue 8/17 no call during in-person visit
Sat 8/14 no answer
Tue 8/10 0:20 "I don't want to talk to you."
Sat 8/07 4:35 video call, prompted by Aiden's mother.
Tue 8/03 1:37
Sat 7/31 2:19
Tue 7/27 1:30 [loud music]
Sat 7/24 12:12
Tue 7/20 11:40
Sat 7/17 9:39
Tue 7/13 no answer
Totals 46:19 phone 11:18 video 57:37 total
Out of 20 scheduled calls, 8 were not answered, 6 were 2 minutes or less. Of the 6 conversations lasting longer than 3 minutes, 4 were disconnected mid-sentence. While I was in California for divorce court, his mother made no effort to answer my scheduled calls to Aiden. And contrary to her testimony in court, she has only participated in one video call.
Pacific Time Contact min:sec
Sat 9/18 no answer
Tue 9/14 6:43 video Contact appeared to be accidental. One hour after scheduled time, I noticed Aiden was online and called him on my computer. He appeared to be at a noisy public event with other kids. I never spoke with Aiden's mother, and she may not have been aware of this contact.
Tue 9/14 no answer at scheduled time.
Sat 9/11 no answer
Tue 9/07 6:14
Sat 9/04 0:06 "I don't want to talk to you."
Tue 8/31 no answer
Sat 8/28 no answer
Tue 8/24 0:42 "I don't want to talk to you." Contact appeared to be accidental. After ignoring calls at the scheduled time, his mother's hands-free headset apparently automatically answered my follow-up call.
Sat 8/21 no answer
Tue 8/17 no call during in-person visit
Sat 8/14 no answer
Tue 8/10 0:20 "I don't want to talk to you."
Sat 8/07 4:35 video call, prompted by Aiden's mother.
Tue 8/03 1:37
Sat 7/31 2:19
Tue 7/27 1:30 [loud music]
Sat 7/24 12:12
Tue 7/20 11:40
Sat 7/17 9:39
Tue 7/13 no answer
Totals 46:19 phone 11:18 video 57:37 total
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)
It has often been said there are two sides to every story, and most people (including family law judges) assume that somewhere in between lies the truth. Many people will retain this view, even when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary. As difficult it might be to believe, there really are people who lie about everything. But why would anyone actually do that?
In too many divorce cases, parents may regard divorce to be synonymous with personal destruction. Thus, they will stop at nothing to win, and no one pays a higher price than their children caught in the crossfire. Regardless of how parents may feel about each other, it's imperative they be mature enough to realize the extreme damage that they inflict upon all involved by using their children against their ex-spouses. And what some parents do to their children is rather alarming.
In the 1980s, Dr. Richard Gardner uncovered a disturbing phenomena among children of divorce. Over an extended period of time, a child subjected to continual, groundless negativity regarding one parent will eventually succumb to the exposure and adapt the distorted view presented. Namely, a custodial parent can systematically destroy their child's absent parent so completely that the parental bonds are shredded beyond repair. But these mind game players generally fail to recognize how their child pays the heftiest price.
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a mental health condition that is implicated as the root cause of false child abuse allegations. In some cases, parents aren't aware of what they're doing and once it's made clear to them, they cease. But the greater majority involves malicious intent. Twenty-two states have ruled in PAS cases.
What began as an anger fueled attempt on the mother's part to sever the father-child bond, ends with the mother losing complete custody. In most cases it is the mother that begins the hate campaign against the father. For the sake of clarity the following list of symptoms assumes the mother to be in that role:
PAS is a psychological disturbance that requires professional intervention. Understanding the psychosis of the behavior is paramount in helping children. And don't naively believe that the alienating parent can simply stop the destructive behavior at any point. It's more like an addiction. Initially, the perpetrator may be oblivious to the harm they are inflicting upon their children; and even if the realization occurs, they may not be able to stop.
PAS parents seek total control over their child. They are incapable of forming normal healthy relationships with people in their lives. They are severely self-centered, unable to give, only take and lack compassion for others. They've lost the ability to sort out the truth from fiction. They are willing to go to extraordinary lengths to have their way, even if it means destroying an essential relationship for their child.
Affected children should get counseling by a therapist familiar with the mental dysfunction of PAS. A trained third-party individual can help children cope with the continual strife and anxiety present in their daily lives. Play therapy is often used with younger children.
The most important thing a disparaged parent can do for their children is refuse to give up and keep on loving them even when they seem unlovable. Disparaged parents should resist the temptation to retaliate in kind. For the sake of their children, disparaged parents must rise above the PAS parent's psychotic behavior. Whatever they do right now might not appear to have any impact, but just wait ten years or so. It is very difficult to look far forward when the immediate present may look so bleak.
I do hope Aiden grows up to recognize that I've always loved him, despite his mother's present propaganda campaign fueled by our contentious ongoing divorce.
In too many divorce cases, parents may regard divorce to be synonymous with personal destruction. Thus, they will stop at nothing to win, and no one pays a higher price than their children caught in the crossfire. Regardless of how parents may feel about each other, it's imperative they be mature enough to realize the extreme damage that they inflict upon all involved by using their children against their ex-spouses. And what some parents do to their children is rather alarming.
In the 1980s, Dr. Richard Gardner uncovered a disturbing phenomena among children of divorce. Over an extended period of time, a child subjected to continual, groundless negativity regarding one parent will eventually succumb to the exposure and adapt the distorted view presented. Namely, a custodial parent can systematically destroy their child's absent parent so completely that the parental bonds are shredded beyond repair. But these mind game players generally fail to recognize how their child pays the heftiest price.
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a mental health condition that is implicated as the root cause of false child abuse allegations. In some cases, parents aren't aware of what they're doing and once it's made clear to them, they cease. But the greater majority involves malicious intent. Twenty-two states have ruled in PAS cases.
What began as an anger fueled attempt on the mother's part to sever the father-child bond, ends with the mother losing complete custody. In most cases it is the mother that begins the hate campaign against the father. For the sake of clarity the following list of symptoms assumes the mother to be in that role:
- Under the guise of trust, care and honesty, the mother chronicles divorce details from a slanted viewpoint that paints dad as mean and mom as a victim.
- Refuses to help the child transition to time with the dad by not allowing the child to take toys or other favored items with them and by repeatedly telling the child daddy's house is not their home but merely a place to visit.
- Unwilling to be flexible with the visitation schedule.
- Overbooking the child in activities in order to reduce visitation time. When the dad wants the child to spend time with him rather than be in constant motion, the mother will label the dad as selfish and her as the good parent because she doesn't restrict the activity time.
- Denying the father access to medical and/or school records and other important documents.
- Listening in on the child's phone conversation and/or coaching them on what to say.
- Draws the child into a co-dependent relationship by making him/her feel guilty for having fun with dad. She uses minor illnesses as an escape to prevent visitation, proclaiming herself to be the only one capable of caring for the child.
- Telling the child how sad she is during visitation times, making the child feel guilty for having fun with dad.
PAS is a psychological disturbance that requires professional intervention. Understanding the psychosis of the behavior is paramount in helping children. And don't naively believe that the alienating parent can simply stop the destructive behavior at any point. It's more like an addiction. Initially, the perpetrator may be oblivious to the harm they are inflicting upon their children; and even if the realization occurs, they may not be able to stop.
PAS parents seek total control over their child. They are incapable of forming normal healthy relationships with people in their lives. They are severely self-centered, unable to give, only take and lack compassion for others. They've lost the ability to sort out the truth from fiction. They are willing to go to extraordinary lengths to have their way, even if it means destroying an essential relationship for their child.
Affected children should get counseling by a therapist familiar with the mental dysfunction of PAS. A trained third-party individual can help children cope with the continual strife and anxiety present in their daily lives. Play therapy is often used with younger children.
The most important thing a disparaged parent can do for their children is refuse to give up and keep on loving them even when they seem unlovable. Disparaged parents should resist the temptation to retaliate in kind. For the sake of their children, disparaged parents must rise above the PAS parent's psychotic behavior. Whatever they do right now might not appear to have any impact, but just wait ten years or so. It is very difficult to look far forward when the immediate present may look so bleak.
I do hope Aiden grows up to recognize that I've always loved him, despite his mother's present propaganda campaign fueled by our contentious ongoing divorce.
Monday, August 30, 2010
How Do I Do This?
OK, so I'm not Rick. I'm just someone who cares about him, and, by extension, his son. (His ex-wife, not so much. She can take care of herself.) My question is, how do you go about caring about a little boy who is 2600 miles away, when the boy's mother, and the court, say that it's fine that you don't --indeed, that you should not--care about him (but keep paying that child support, BTW)?
I am a former day care provider, a former child protective caseworker, and a mother to two wonderful grown sons. I cannot countenance a court system in which a father wants to be a part of his son's life, and yet is denied that opportunity, because of a vengeful mother and a court system that believes her tall tales.
I know that when my husband and I separated, we agreed that our children would spend a week with him and a week with me. I chose places to live that would accommodate this agreement. But how do you deal with someone who does not want you in your child's life at all? Who insists that you do not even need to know where your child goes to day care, or for how many days a week, to have "a relationship" with that child? Especially when the "relationship" consists of two, 40-second calls a week. That consist of, "Daddy, I don't want to talk to you." prompted by her reminder that, "Here's Daddy on the phone, but you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to." Sigh.
I don't think this is right. There is a young child, Aiden, who has a father who is willing and able to not only pay child support (which he is completely current with), but WANTS to be a good dad to his son. Why can't he be that dad that his son needs?
I am a former day care provider, a former child protective caseworker, and a mother to two wonderful grown sons. I cannot countenance a court system in which a father wants to be a part of his son's life, and yet is denied that opportunity, because of a vengeful mother and a court system that believes her tall tales.
I know that when my husband and I separated, we agreed that our children would spend a week with him and a week with me. I chose places to live that would accommodate this agreement. But how do you deal with someone who does not want you in your child's life at all? Who insists that you do not even need to know where your child goes to day care, or for how many days a week, to have "a relationship" with that child? Especially when the "relationship" consists of two, 40-second calls a week. That consist of, "Daddy, I don't want to talk to you." prompted by her reminder that, "Here's Daddy on the phone, but you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to." Sigh.
I don't think this is right. There is a young child, Aiden, who has a father who is willing and able to not only pay child support (which he is completely current with), but WANTS to be a good dad to his son. Why can't he be that dad that his son needs?
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Know the truth.
I want to be an important part of Aiden's life.
Yes, I know I've been absent for nearly two years, but I doubt that you know the truth...
In the first six months of Aiden's life, I was his primary caregiver. But soon after adopting him, I became unemployed. Aiden's mother locked me out. She removed my access to all of our money. She told me not to come back until I had another high-paying job.
Broke and unemployed, no one would rent to me. Without an address, no one would hire me. Friends and family were sorry for my situation, but no one was willing to get involved.
Living in my car, I begged a distant relative for help. That help required me to relocate to rural New York. Aiden was the last person I saw in California. I read to him. I played with him. I cried. Aiden's mother was aware of my plan. She had me stopped by police. They let me go. Upon my arrival in New York, I knew no one other than my relative. I had to start my life over.
Even with my relative's help, I've been unemployed much longer than I've been employed. In my absence, Aiden's mother filed for divorce and thoroughly steamrolled me in family court. Without the benefit of my own legal representation, I lost joint custody of Aiden, and was ordered to pay more in child support than my gross income.
Last year, my father passed away. I inherited some money from my parents, which finally enabled me to pay all of the back child support. I've been current for several months, but Aiden's mother still hasn't cashed all of my support checks. My income and expenses are extremely low by California standards. For every three dollars I earn, one is for taxes, one is for child support and one is for my living expenses. Unfortunately, California is just too expensive for my limited income. I am still fighting for an appropriate child support order.
Since I moved to New York, Aiden's mother has not let me speak with him on the phone for a total of even one hour! I've sent him postcards, toys, books (search for "Daddy reads to Aiden" on YouTube), games and various other gifts (including an easy-to-use Skype-enabled mini-notebook computer), but I doubt that his mother lets him enjoy gifts from me. Meanwhile, she tells me nothing about Aiden's life. I don't know if he has his own room or how many hours per week he is in daycare or even his favorite foods/toys/pets.
I want to be a good dad to Aiden.
Yes, I know I've been absent for nearly two years, but I doubt that you know the truth...
In the first six months of Aiden's life, I was his primary caregiver. But soon after adopting him, I became unemployed. Aiden's mother locked me out. She removed my access to all of our money. She told me not to come back until I had another high-paying job.
Broke and unemployed, no one would rent to me. Without an address, no one would hire me. Friends and family were sorry for my situation, but no one was willing to get involved.
Living in my car, I begged a distant relative for help. That help required me to relocate to rural New York. Aiden was the last person I saw in California. I read to him. I played with him. I cried. Aiden's mother was aware of my plan. She had me stopped by police. They let me go. Upon my arrival in New York, I knew no one other than my relative. I had to start my life over.
Even with my relative's help, I've been unemployed much longer than I've been employed. In my absence, Aiden's mother filed for divorce and thoroughly steamrolled me in family court. Without the benefit of my own legal representation, I lost joint custody of Aiden, and was ordered to pay more in child support than my gross income.
Last year, my father passed away. I inherited some money from my parents, which finally enabled me to pay all of the back child support. I've been current for several months, but Aiden's mother still hasn't cashed all of my support checks. My income and expenses are extremely low by California standards. For every three dollars I earn, one is for taxes, one is for child support and one is for my living expenses. Unfortunately, California is just too expensive for my limited income. I am still fighting for an appropriate child support order.
Since I moved to New York, Aiden's mother has not let me speak with him on the phone for a total of even one hour! I've sent him postcards, toys, books (search for "Daddy reads to Aiden" on YouTube), games and various other gifts (including an easy-to-use Skype-enabled mini-notebook computer), but I doubt that his mother lets him enjoy gifts from me. Meanwhile, she tells me nothing about Aiden's life. I don't know if he has his own room or how many hours per week he is in daycare or even his favorite foods/toys/pets.
I want to be a good dad to Aiden.
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