Saturday is Christmas

Yesterday, I wrote an email to Aiden's mother...

Since I do not know your plans for Christmas, I am unsure of the best time to call Aiden on Saturday (Christmas day) for a successful conversation.  I think it would work better if you could have him call me when he has a quiet moment.  I'm very flexible.

Please call me on Friday (any time) so we can set up the call for Saturday. I know that his Christmas gift arrived this morning at the Galaxy, and I'd really like to see him open it.  Back in August (with you, Aiden and [your mother] present), I verified that his computer can indeed access the Internet from your condo (or at least from across the street). I would like to talk to you before Saturday about the call so that we can establish a window of time that works for both of us--- Aiden will be ready to talk with me, and I can be at my computer to receive Aiden's Skype call. 

Thank you, and have a good Christmas.  Please give Aiden a hug and a kiss from me.  

...and today, I left her a voicemail with the same message.  But, so far, there has been no response.

Call statistics

During the past 4 months, my weekly average talk time with Aiden has been only 2 minutes 22 seconds, for a total of 41 minutes 20 seconds (I have recordings all but a few of these calls and call attempts). That's totally unacceptable!

         36 scheduled calls (I missed 2 calls, 1 during court and 1 during a visit with Aiden).

         18 calls never answered, never returned (50% of total).

         6 calls promptly hung up, Aiden saying “I don’t want to talk to you” (17% of total).

               1 call returned with subsequent conversation with Aiden.

         11 actual conversations with Aiden (31% of total).

His mother should NOT prompt Aiden to hang up (I have two clear recordings of this). Her words say that she wants me to have a relationship with Aiden, but her actions tell an entirely different story.

How can I possibly build and maintain my relationship with Aiden in only 2 minutes 22 seconds per week?

Phony phone records

On Nov 9th, Aiden's mom and I had a court hearing concerning the Temporary Restraining Order she filed against me on Aug 26th, when I was again in California. I won't go into it here, but suffice it to say she made many allegations against me that I was ultimately able to prove were totally fabricated.

After I left California on September 1st, she filed four more police reports (in addition to the two she had already filed) saying that I had been harassing her by phone, while the TRO was in effect.

Her allegations are untrue, and simply do not make any sense. Why on earth would I "stalk" and "harass" her when I've been trying so desperately to have more contact with Aiden? In particular, why would I harass her by phone in direct violation of the TRO, while at the same time spending literally thousands of dollars in travel costs and attorney fees, trying to get the court to see me as a good dad and grant me more visitation time with my son? I would certainly not jeopardize my chances of seeing Aiden by doing things like that; it's just not logical.

In court, Aiden's mom presented a Verizon cell phone bill as "proof" of my harassing calls. I've attached it here. The thing is, all it proved was that she was lying to the judge.

In her phone bill, she chose not to include the columns (seen in my bill) that show where the call originated from, and its destination. Without this information, there's no way to tell which calls are incoming, and which are outgoing. She has marked "Rick" next to all the calls she says were from me, harassing her. Calls from me, on Tuesdays at 5:30 PM and Saturdays at 7:00 PM Pacific, are my scheduled call times with Aiden. These appear on my phone bill for 9/25 and 9/28 as calls to Alamitos, CA. Because she didn't answer those calls, they don't appear on her bill.

One of the ways she falsified the bill was to mark calls as being from me, even though they were calls she made to me . If you look at my own cell phone bill (here) on 9/25 (highlighted in pink), you see two calls clearly marked "Incoming CL" at 10:29 AND 10:35 (Eastern). Look on her bill: the pink-highlighted calls at 7:29 and 7:35 (Pacific) she has marked as calls I made to her--strange, as they were incoming to my phone.

But the most damning evidence is all the calls she attributes to me that have the listed phone number of 000-000-0086. Those calls (8 on this page, 47 over the billing period record she submitted!) are most certainly NOT from me, because they are calls she made to her own voice mail (marked in yellow) to retrieve her messages. If you look on my phone bill (also from Verizon), you can clearly see that calls to that number (dialed as *86) are calls to voice mail (also in yellow), as they are marked "Voice Mail CL".

Saying in court that those calls were from me, when she obviously knew they were not, is perjury. It's proof that she will do and say almost anything to keep me out of Aiden's life (her original TRO requested that I have no contact with Aiden as well as her).

In court, the judge saw that she was obviously lying about the phone calls (and about other allegations that I was able to solidly debunk), and the TRO was completely dropped.

I'm thankful for that...but her behavior scares me. She actually told a friend that she looked forward to seeing me arrested. Exaggerating stories about your ex is one thing; knowingly presenting false evidence in court, and filing police reports and restraining orders based on these lies and outright fabrications, is something entirely different.

I'm an adult, so I can handle whatever she throws my way. But Aiden is being raised by a mother who believes that lies serve as well as the truth to accomplish her ends. I hope this is one lesson he does not learn from her.

Playing Games

I had my scheduled call with Aiden last night. To his mother's credit, she answered my question about how Aiden is recovering from his illness--though she did not volunteer any information until I asked and still will not allow me to contact his doctor directly for more information.  

However, when Aiden came to the phone, he immediately said he could not speak to me because he was playing Candyland (a game I got him for his birthday).  The entire phone call lasted under two minutes.  

My calls to Aiden are prearranged;  I call every Tuesday at 5:30 PM and every Saturday at 7:00 PM Pacific time.  There was no reason for Aiden's mom to start playing a game with him just before my call, knowing full well that I would be calling.  She could have played with him another time during the day, or held off until after my call.  Or she could have had him call me back after he was done playing, as I requested in an e-mail I sent her after the aborted call.  She even could have encouraged him to take a break from the game for a few minutes to speak with me, though of course he wouldn't have wanted to.

Instead, she chose to play games with me, by deliberately setting up the call so Aiden would not want to talk, and then failing to grant my reasonable request for a call back later.  These games where she answers my call, but then pulls Aiden away from an activity or actively encourages him to hang up may satisfy her desire to keep Aiden from speaking to me, but at what cost to Aiden? Building a relationship with the father who wants to be an involved and important part of his life is certainly more important for Aiden than playing a game.  Aiden should not be a pawn in her games; he's a little boy who needs his dad.

An apology to Aiden's mother

To Aiden's mom: I apologize for my earlier post (now deleted) that implied you may have mistreated Aiden. I expect that you are doing the best you can, under the circumstances.

Readers: The whole situation with Aiden's health is extremely frustrating to me. I first learned about Aiden's swollen feet and legs on Nov 4th, earlier in the same day that I was scheduled to have a 1-hour visit with him, when his mother emailed me that "Aiden is sick today home from school.  He is really worn out and his legs are really swollen.  It is painful to touch his legs."  During that visit, she said he has venous thrombosis (blood clots), but wouldn't provide me with any details about his diagnosis, treatment and prognosis. During the other two 1-hour visits, I felt that I could not ask for further details, without being accused of violating the then-active temporary restraining order. Aiden's mother never answered my scheduled call to him on Nov 6th. And while we were in family court on Nov 9th (when the restraining order was dropped), no further information about Aiden's condition was provided.

I heard nothing more about Aiden's condition until Nov 14th, when I learned (though not from his mother) that he had recently been in the hospital. And a different source (also not his mother), informed me that he has Henoch-Schönlein purpura (HSP). Late that night, his mother emailed me saying, "He has some blood in his urine.  Don't know the cause could be from the medicine that was used to treat his legs last week.  He is on medicine to help with the urine.  In one day it has already worked as there is less blood color in his urine today." Meanwhile, she won't tell me what medicine he is taking, or how I can speak with his doctor.

Because bloody urine indicates kidney trouble, I am very worried about Aiden.

"But I want to talk some more!"

Aiden's mother seldom answers my scheduled calls with Aiden. She has ignored 7 of my last 10 calls to Aiden. And even on those rare occasions when I do get to talk with him, she intrudes.

In a recent call, my son was very excited to talk with me "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" (0:1:30). However, when Aiden's mother prompts him to hang up, he protests "Don't wanna! Don't wanna!" (0:4:12). After a few minutes of actual conversation (albeit using her prompted questions), Aiden unexpectedly says sadly, "Bye bye..." (0:7:40). It makes me very sad that Aiden clearly wants to talk with me, but is not permitted to.

Shortly afterward, she whispers something, to which he protests, "But I want to talk some more!" (0:7:45).  Finally, he asks me an often repeated question, "Why do knights need swords?" (0:8:44) and is disconnected without uttering another word (0:9:00).

Absolutely every visit and every phone call is directly controlled by Aiden's mother, prompting his every question and answer. Clearly, he doesn't ask or answer questions without her permission. It really irks me that she is so controlling and intrusive.

In order to have a normal relationship with my son, I want visits and phone calls that are unsupervised (or at least supervised by anyone but his mother).

Breaking my heart in one minute, seventeen seconds

It is so clear to me that Rick just wants to be a normal, involved dad to Aiden. To do the kinds of things that parents do with their kids every day--play games with them, teach them things, take them places and show them the all the cool things in the world. Because he's far away, obviously his time with Aiden is limited. But even when he's in California, Aiden's mom is using the court system to prevent Aiden from spending time with his dad and so developing some kind of normal relationship with him. When Rick was in California in August, he got to see Aiden only four times--for a total of about five hours--in the 16 days he was there. Three of those visits were court ordered. Rick extended his stay in California for the sole purpose of getting more visits with Aiden after Aiden returned from a trip with his mother, hoping that she would be kind enough to grant visits that were not court ordered. She refused. No, strike that; she never even responded to Rick's pleas to see his child. She just ignored his calls. So Rick sat in his hotel room, while Aiden stayed at day care.

This is a recording of a call Rick made during that visit; he was visiting the Aquarium of the Pacific, and wanted to share that experience with his son.

Because of Aiden's mom, a little boy and his dad never got to spend that time together. That day, that chance to build their relationship, is gone forever. And that's what breaks my heart.

Withholding telephone access to Aiden -and- bait to violate a dubious TRO

Fully 80% of my recent scheduled calls to Aiden have gone unanswered and never returned.  Meanwhile, my legal challenge to Aiden's mother's dubious Temporary Restraining Order has not yet been heard in court, although the judge did order 3 one-hour visits while I am here in California. Until then, I am must not contact Aiden's mother (which suits me fine, frankly). Yet, at the same time, she maliciously mislabels my scheduled calls to Aiden (which the TRO allows) as "harassment", and has filed six police reports accordingly.

Here's my latest attempt to contact Aiden for a regularly scheduled call...

Aiden's Mom: "Hello?" 
me: Telephone access to Aiden, please. 
AM: "He's not here, but he's planning on seeing you on Thursday." 
me: I'm calling for Aiden. 
AM: "Hey! Rick? I have a question, why did you hire a private investigator instead of hiring David Karoda? We would have been a lot further and a lot more amicable." 
me: I can't contact you right now. I'd like to speak with my son, because it's the regularly scheduled time. If he is not available at this regularly scheduled time, he may call me back later this evening at his conven... 
AM: [interrupting] "Well, he's planning on seeing you Thursday." 
me: I look forward to seeing Aiden on Thursday at Chick-Fil-A at 5 o'clock. Do I remember that correctly? 
AM: "I dunno. Do you?" 
me: Do you? Is he... 
AM: [interrupting] "So why did you hire a private investigator instead of... Why did you want to dig up dirt, instead of just like coming to a mediation, that would have got you a lot farther?" 
me: This is not an appropriate conversation. I was calling for Aiden. Have Aiden call me when he is available. Thank you. [*I* disconnected]

Before I learned how very expensive it is, I offered to pay for mediation with a professional mediator. Thus, to ensure that she would actually cooperate and not just waste the mediator's time and my money, I asked her to contribute half or at least a significant portion of the expense. In my mind, her loud refusal simply confirms that she was never really motivated to help me restore my participation in Aiden's life.

I could care less what she does with her life, but Aiden needs his daddy.

What does your new piano look like, Aiden?

At the end of August, my family's piano was moved out of Aiden's home in California. And just to recover this heirloom, I was court ordered to pay Aiden's mother $7,000 for a "replacement" piano. In my local area, I found that $7,000 is enough to buy two pianos. And since I've overheard Aiden's mother tell him that "Daddy wants to take stuff away from us," I'd be very interested to see just exactly what my $7,000 actually bought. After two months, I expect that Aiden should be happily playing his "replacement" piano by now.

Honestly, just how much piano does a 4-year-old boy really need?

How can I possibly develop a positive relationship with Aiden when given an average of only 6 minutes per week of contact ?!??

During the last two months, I have had a total of less than one hour of phone/video contact with my son.

Out of 20 scheduled calls, 8 were not answered, 6 were 2 minutes or less. Of the 6 conversations lasting longer than 3 minutes, 4 were disconnected mid-sentence. While I was in California for divorce court, his mother made no effort to answer my scheduled calls to Aiden. And contrary to her testimony in court, she has only participated in one video call.

Pacific Time    Contact min:sec
Sat 9/18    no answer
Tue 9/14    6:43 video   Contact appeared to be accidental. One hour after scheduled time, I noticed Aiden was online and called him on my computer. He appeared to be at a noisy public event with other kids. I never spoke with Aiden's mother, and she may not have been aware of this contact.
Tue 9/14    no answer at scheduled time.
Sat 9/11    no answer
Tue 9/07    6:14  
Sat 9/04    0:06    "I don't want to talk to you."
Tue 8/31    no answer
Sat 8/28    no answer
Tue 8/24    0:42    "I don't want to talk to you." Contact appeared to be accidental. After ignoring calls at the scheduled time, his mother's hands-free headset apparently automatically answered my follow-up call.
Sat 8/21    no answer
Tue 8/17    no call during in-person visit
Sat 8/14    no answer
Tue 8/10    0:20   "I don't want to talk to you."
Sat 8/07    4:35     video call, prompted by Aiden's mother.
Tue 8/03    1:37  
Sat 7/31    2:19  
Tue 7/27    1:30   [loud music]
Sat 7/24    12:12
Tue 7/20    11:40 
Sat 7/17    9:39 
Tue 7/13    no answer
Totals    46:19 phone     11:18 video    57:37 total

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)

It has often been said there are two sides to every story, and most people (including family law judges) assume that somewhere in between lies the truth. Many people will retain this view, even when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary. As difficult it might be to believe, there really are people who lie about everything. But why would anyone actually do that?

In too many divorce cases, parents may regard divorce to be synonymous with personal destruction. Thus, they will stop at nothing to win, and no one pays a higher price than their children caught in the crossfire. Regardless of how parents may feel about each other, it's imperative they be mature enough to realize the extreme damage that they inflict upon all involved by using their children against their ex-spouses. And what some parents do to their children is rather alarming.

In the 1980s, Dr. Richard Gardner uncovered a disturbing phenomena among children of divorce. Over an extended period of time, a child subjected to continual, groundless negativity regarding one parent will eventually succumb to the exposure and adapt the distorted view presented. Namely, a custodial parent can systematically destroy their child's absent parent so completely that the parental bonds are shredded beyond repair. But these mind game players generally fail to recognize how their child pays the heftiest price.

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a mental health condition that is implicated as the root cause of false child abuse allegations. In some cases, parents aren't aware of what they're doing and once it's made clear to them, they cease. But the greater majority involves malicious intent. Twenty-two states have ruled in PAS cases.

What began as an anger fueled attempt on the mother's part to sever the father-child bond, ends with the mother losing complete custody. In most cases it is the mother that begins the hate campaign against the father. For the sake of clarity the following list of symptoms assumes the mother to be in that role:

1. Under the guise of trust, care and honesty, the mother chronicles divorce details from a slanted viewpoint that paints dad as mean and mom as a victim.
2. Refuses to help the child transition to time with the dad by not allowing the child to take toys or other favored items with them and by repeatedly telling the child daddy's house is not their home but merely a place to visit.
3. Unwilling to be flexible with the visitation schedule.
4. Overbooking the child in activities in order to reduce visitation time. When the dad wants the child to spend time with him rather than be in constant motion, the mother will label the dad as selfish and her as the good parent because she doesn't restrict the activity time.
5. Denying the father access to medical and/or school records and other important documents.
6. Listening in on the child's phone conversation and/or coaching them on what to say.
7. Draws the child into a co-dependent relationship by making him/her feel guilty for having fun with dad. She uses minor illnesses as an escape to prevent visitation, proclaiming herself to be the only one capable of caring for the child.
8. Telling the child how sad she is during visitation times, making the child feel guilty for having fun with dad.

PAS is a psychological disturbance that requires professional intervention. Understanding the psychosis of the behavior is paramount in helping children. And don't naively believe that the alienating parent can simply stop the destructive behavior at any point. It's more like an addiction. Initially, the perpetrator may be oblivious to the harm they are inflicting upon their children; and even if the realization occurs, they may not be able to stop.

PAS parents seek total control over their child. They are incapable of forming normal healthy relationships with people in their lives. They are severely self-centered, unable to give, only take and lack compassion for others. They've lost the ability to sort out the truth from fiction. They are willing to go to extraordinary lengths to have their way, even if it means destroying an essential relationship for their child.

Affected children should get counseling by a therapist familiar with the mental dysfunction of PAS. A trained third-party individual can help children cope with the continual strife and anxiety present in their daily lives. Play therapy is often used with younger children.

The most important thing a disparaged parent can do for their children is refuse to give up and keep on loving them even when they seem unlovable. Disparaged parents should resist the temptation to retaliate in kind. For the sake of their children, disparaged parents must rise above the PAS parent's psychotic behavior. Whatever they do right now might not appear to have any impact, but just wait ten years or so. It is very difficult to look far forward when the immediate present may look so bleak.

I do hope Aiden grows up to recognize that I've always loved him, despite his mother's present propaganda campaign fueled by our contentious ongoing divorce.

How Do I Do This?

OK, so I'm not Rick. I'm just someone who cares about him, and, by extension, his son. (His ex-wife, not so much. She can take care of herself.) My question is, how do you go about caring about a little boy who is 2600 miles away, when the boy's mother, and the court, say that it's fine that you don't --indeed, that you should not--care about him (but keep paying that child support, BTW)?

I am a former day care provider, a former child protective caseworker, and a mother to two wonderful grown sons. I cannot countenance a court system in which a father wants to be a part of his son's life, and yet is denied that opportunity, because of a vengeful mother and a court system that believes her tall tales.

I know that when my husband and I separated, we agreed that our children would spend a week with him and a week with me. I chose places to live that would accommodate this agreement. But how do you deal with someone who does not want you in your child's life at all? Who insists that you do not even need to know where your child goes to day care, or for how many days a week, to have "a relationship" with that child? Especially when the "relationship" consists of two, 40-second calls a week. That consist of, "Daddy, I don't want to talk to you." prompted by her reminder that, "Here's Daddy on the phone, but you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to." Sigh.

I don't think this is right. There is a young child, Aiden, who has a father who is willing and able to not only pay child support (which he is completely current with), but WANTS to be a good dad to his son. Why can't he be that dad that his son needs?

Know the truth.

I want to be an important part of Aiden's life.

Yes, I know I've been absent for nearly two years, but I doubt that you know the truth...

In the first six months of Aiden's life, I was his primary caregiver. But soon after adopting him, I became unemployed. Aiden's mother locked me out. She removed my access to all of our money. She told me not to come back until I had another high-paying job.

Broke and unemployed, no one would rent to me. Without an address, no one would hire me. Friends and family were sorry for my situation, but no one was willing to get involved.

Living in my car, I begged a distant relative for help. That help required me to relocate to rural New York. Aiden was the last person I saw in California. I read to him. I played with him. I cried. Aiden's mother was aware of my plan. She had me stopped by police. They let me go. Upon my arrival in New York, I knew no one other than my relative. I had to start my life over.

Even with my relative's help, I've been unemployed much longer than I've been employed. In my absence, Aiden's mother filed for divorce and thoroughly steamrolled me in family court. Without the benefit of my own legal representation, I lost joint custody of Aiden, and was ordered to pay more in child support than my gross income.

Last year, my father passed away. I inherited some money from my parents, which finally enabled me to pay all of the back child support. I've been current for several months, but Aiden's mother still hasn't cashed all of my support checks. My income and expenses are extremely low by California standards. For every three dollars I earn, one is for taxes, one is for child support and one is for my living expenses. Unfortunately, California is just too expensive for my limited income. I am still fighting for an appropriate child support order.

Since I moved to New York, Aiden's mother has not let me speak with him on the phone for a total of even one hour! I've sent him postcards, toys, books (search for "Daddy reads to Aiden" on YouTube), games and various other gifts (including an easy-to-use Skype-enabled mini-notebook computer), but I doubt that his mother lets him enjoy gifts from me. Meanwhile, she tells me nothing about Aiden's life. I don't know if he has his own room or how many hours per week he is in daycare or even his favorite foods/toys/pets.

I want to be a good dad to Aiden.