Duck, Dive, and Divert

Back when I was married to Aiden's mom, she came up with a slogan that described her preferred method of dealing (or rather, NOT dealing) with the people and situations she would rather ignore and put off until they gave up and went away (such as pesky creditors trying to collect overdue payments): Duck, Dive and Divert. She's honed her skills at ducking, diving and diverting for many years, and now she is a master.

I've sent Aiden's mother two e-mail messages (with the same two messages sent in OurFamilyWizard), one each yesterday and the day before (11/29 and 11/28) saying:

Remember that the court order states I can see Aiden two out of every three days I am in California. I am available Saturday and Sunday, so those are the days I would like to have visits.

Yesterday's message also said:

 I would like to see Aiden on Saturday and Sunday this weekend. Please respond so we can set up visit times and pick-up/drop-off locations.

So far, her only response (sent yesterday just before 10 p.m.) has been:

what happened to your desire to see Aiden on Wed?

Her question about Wednesday visits was in reference to a series of messages that last discussed weekday visits three days ago (Sunday, 11/27).

You can see she resorts to her tried-and-true tactics here--diverting the discussion from my requested weekend visits to the old topic of weekday visits, and ducking the current topic of Saturday and Sunday visits. Her response is not in good faith to address the serious co-parenting issue of establishing my regular visitation with Aiden, now that I reside in California.


Her Duck, Dive and Divert strategy ultimately results in the fourth "D," --  the Denial of Aiden's rightful relationship with his father.

I finally saw Aiden!

I finally got to see Aiden today, the first time his mother has allowed me to see him since I arrived in California on Tuesday, November 22 (FIVE days ago). She only allowed me a three-hour visit, far less than I had hoped for, considering that when I was in California in late October through November 11, I had ten four- to five-hours visits. 

Nonetheless, I had a wonderful time, and Aiden did too. He was literally jumping up and down with joy when he first saw me.  We visited the Colorado lagoon, saw the Terminal Island drawbridge go up to let a big ship pass, and even stopped at a store so I could replace the watch Aiden lost on his last visit with me. (He chose a Lego Ninja watch!)

When we stopped to get dinner, I was mindful of Aiden's mother's warnings about Aiden's overeating, and only allowed Aiden to eat a single small fish taco, as Aiden's mother had suggested at the beginning of the visit. Aiden asked for snacks throughout the remainder of the visit, but I (reluctantly) had to tell him, "No, your mom doesn't want you to eat any more." I have to say that it's really hard to listen to your child say "I'm hungry!" over and over again and yet only be allowed to feed him a small amount of food.

I'm thrilled to here in California, so that I can see Aiden regularly. That's why I returned: to spend time with my little boy, who needs his dad in his life. I want to be there to read him stories and tuck him into bed; I want to help him with his homework and go to Open House night at his school; I want to take him hiking and show him the flowers and animals in the woods that he can't see around his urban condominium home.

But first, Aiden's mom has to let go a little bit and let me be a dad to Aiden. She has to agree to let me see him for more than a few hours at a time, for overnights and weekends. And so far, she has not been willing to do that--despite the long series of visits earlier this month. When I told Aiden that I had been in California since Tuesday, he understood enough to ask me why I hadn't seen him. I told him the truth: because his mother wouldn't let me see him. Not even for a couple of hours after school during this past week, when I was not working and Aiden was being watched by a babysitter. And that is truly sad, for me but especially for Aiden.

The Sounds of Silence

So far, Aiden's mother has not responded to any of my e-mails or OurFamilyWizard messages asking her to let me see Aiden. In fact, she has still not even opened any of the three OurFamilyWizard messages. 

I also left two phone messages (one each on her home phone and cell phone) both today and yesterday; she neither answered those calls nor responded to them.

Regardless of whether you believe I should be able to see my son this Thanksgiving weekend, her lack of consideration in failing to respond to my messages (though typical) is indisputable. I first let her know I wanted to see Aiden this weekend on November 18, more than a week ago. I understand that she may have had plans, but even so, why couldn't she have taken literally a minute to send a short e-mail saying, "Sorry, Rick, but I have plans"?  Ignoring my messages/calls is just plain rude, and certainly no way to foster a successful co-parenting relationship.


Knowing that her lack of response will prompt me to call her daily asking to see Aiden, I believe Aiden's mom may turn around and accuse me of "harassing" her. She did exactly that last August through October, filing six police reports against me for allegedly calling her at all hours. After I sent the police copies of my phone records, and clear evidence that she had previously made false phone-harassment allegations against me in court (See the previous post Phony Phone Records here), nothing ever came of these reports. But she may try that tactic again.


All I want is to see Aiden regularly. I want Aiden's mom to acknowledge that it's important for Aiden to have a strong relationship with me--and then actually take the actions to foster that relationship. Denying me time with Aiden even after I move to California, ignoring my calls and messages, and forcing me to use the courts to get even moderately reasonable time with Aiden, all speak to her malice toward me. I'd rather we just cooperated, but I can't reason with someone who seems bent on withholding our son from me. I just moved 2600 miles from my home of three years to show Aiden--and everyone else--that I am serious about being there for him consistently, a basic part of his life, and that I'm not willing to settle for anything less.

Thanksgiving thoughts

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone had a good day filled with family, friends and gratitude. As for me, I have many things to give thanks for. I am grateful for my job, my vehicle that actually made it across the country despite its 219,000+ miles, my friends who cheer me on, and my significant other, now across the country, who supports me wholeheartedly. I am especially grateful for my three sons, whom I now live close enough to see much more often. Just today, I met with one of my older sons and got to reconnect with him.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about Aiden. I have sent Aiden's mother two copies of three messages--one each on Tuesday, Wednesday, and today--asking to see Aiden this weekend. Each message was sent to her to both her e-mail and her OurFamilyWizard account, which tracks when each message is viewed.  As of this posting, she has not responded at all to the messages, not even to say, "Not a chance, buddy." In fact, she has not even opened the three OurFamilyWizard messages concerning visits, even though she did open (on Wednesday at about 9:30 p.m.) the two messages concerning phone calls that were sent after the first two messages about visits.

As I said in my previous post, I suspect she will deny me any time with Aiden until we have court on December 20; perhaps she will cite the 30-day notice provision of the court order of ten months ago (though she waived that provision for my 2-week stay in October/November, and my recent move to California was precipitated by a job offer less than 30 days ago); or perhaps she will not give me any reason at all.

I had asked Aiden's mother to have Aiden call me today, Thanksgiving Day, in addition to the twice-weekly scheduled calls. Here is the complete transcript of today's 8-second call:

Rick (R): Happy Thanksgiving!
Aiden (A): Happy Thanksgiving!
[disconnected]

I'm guessing that Aiden's mother will tell her friends that she complied with my request and had Aiden call on Thanksgiving to wish his dad "Happy Thanksgiving"---without mentioning that those were the only two words that Aiden said to me.

At least I got two words from Aiden...last year, Aiden's mom completely ignored my request to speak to Aiden on Thanksgiving.  I hope that by next Thanksgiving, one of the things that I can give thanks for is having a meaningful relationship with Aiden developed over a year of regular, good-quality and quantity contact with my son. Is that too much for a father to ask?

California, Here I Come!

I saw Aiden for three excellent visits over Labor Day (three hours, four hours, and six hours) and TEN visits (four or five hours each) over two weeks between October 29 and November 11. Now, I hope I will be able to see him on a regular basis. Because I love my son and want to be a regular, consistent part of his life, I'm leaving my home, my friends, and my significant other to move to California; I will be arriving before Thanksgiving.

I have asked Aiden's mother for a one-night overnight visit on Thanksgiving weekend, and two-night weekend visits every other weekend thereafter. Her reply to this was, "[The mediator] was helpful in facalitating [sic] discussions. I wonder if we could have her help us with this disscussion [sic]--." (FYI, the mediator's local agency in NY serves NY residents, which I am not any longer.) I suspect she will not agree to this schedule, because the current court order stipulates far less visit time. It's possible she will withhold Aiden from me entirely until court on December 20, saying that I did not give her the requisite 30 days' notice. (Because of my job situation, I could not give that much notice for the October/November stay in California, yet she agreed to visits then---although only under much pressure from the court mediator and Aiden's attorney.) Will she deny visits altogether, or limit them severely, if there is no one to compel her to do otherwise?

My question is, why would she deny or limit visits? Aiden has been completely happy during all of the time he's spent with me, never once crying or complaining of any physical problem. Why would she not want our son to see me frequently and develop a strong bond with me, while at the same time giving herself a much-deserved break from caring for a young child? Isn't this a win-win-win situation for me, Aiden, and Aiden's mom? According to my own and Aiden's attorneys, every other weekend is a pretty standard visit schedule. Aiden himself wants to spend time with me--listen to how excited he is during these phone calls when I ask him about seeing me:

November 20 call-"I'm excited!"

November 17 call--"Could you come more?"

Of course, the calls end suddenly, shortly after he expresses his excitement at seeing me.

The current court order for very brief visits, on only two of every three days of my trips to California, was made almost a year ago. Because the court has postponed our case thirteen times, I have had to take Aiden's mom to court in order to see him for more than the court ordered time for every single trip I have made to see Aiden. Now that I will be living in California and available on weekends to see Aiden consistently, I'm hoping she will agree to my proposed schedule of visits without my having to take her to court. For Aiden's sake, that would be really great...but I'm not holding my breath.